I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
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Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.