me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.