I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
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Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.