It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
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A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Girl, same.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate