[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!