I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Only Americans understand
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
multitasking lunch