astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree