-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
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5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy