I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
You Might Also Like
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
not seeing the problem
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure