I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious