Strangers have the best candy.
You Might Also Like
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?