When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”