Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
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[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.