Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.