It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
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If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
How to woo a woman
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Cool shirt 🙂