pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
You Might Also Like
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
saw this in a dream
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*