Rambo Rambow
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.