When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
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Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”