KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
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If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”