Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
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My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
<- sleeps well with others
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Canadian owl: Eh?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?