Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
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If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.