I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
why isn’t thunder called soundning
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
When I laugh on my period
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
choose your fighter
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.