My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
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Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
smartest karate player in the world
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
very niche meme I made
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.