Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
*praying for world peace*
God:
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Same pineapple, same
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.