Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
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We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.