My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
You Might Also Like
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?