rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
my favorite genre of twitter
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
But that’s none of my business
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Cndnsd Mlk
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.