Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
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can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Stonehinge
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.