My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
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Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Gross if literal…Liverpool
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Jesus Christ lmao
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.