Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
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I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
File under excellent bookstore names.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Selfie
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.