*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
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I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Traveler’s camo
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit