Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
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All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm