Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]