Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Left at a local drug store…
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Shoo shoo! 😂
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets