5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
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I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*