*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.