* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
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Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Air pods looking like an angry frog
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
#oldknees
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.