Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
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Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.