My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed