I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
This is my pinned tweet
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Not all heroes wear capes…
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.