“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
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#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
it is time once again
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them