When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Twitter fine art
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
i meant to share this earlier
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.