For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.