[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
do horses think humans are hats
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.