Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Sounds like a bargain
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.