For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
You Might Also Like
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Why am I like this?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?