They’re the worst 😩
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Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Bruh PLEASE
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor