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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.