Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
wtf is an acronym
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.