How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
You Might Also Like
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
This raises questions
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.